to let a day lead me (new poem)

also playBC is 50% off now

I’ve been writing with a bunch of the best internet weirdos around every day this month and it’s been the best. Wanted to send a quick note to share a poem AND to let you know that starting today, playBC membership is 50% off! You can join us for the rest of this month in this daily alphabet-themed writing workshop. Registration closes on 11/18.

Anyway. Here’s a new poem:

To Let a Day Lead Me


I was told that waking up earlier would solve 
all my problems, so I moved in with a toddler 
and my 10 ams became 5s. I made coffee and 
sat on the floor and stretched and meditated and 
pulled a card and read 3 books and journaled and 
medicated and checklisted and somehow 
kept it going until that home was gone. 
I reveled at my own commitment, 
but only a fool believes that a routine will last 
forever. Change anything about the context and 
my ADHD brain forgets it all. Now, I beg myself 
to rise but my bones won’t listen. Like me, 
they are always forced to move before 
they’re ready. I don’t know why my life refuses 
to make a gravity decision, but here I am, 
unrooted again. Clueless again. Moving 
toward a question mark again. I don’t care 
what I wanted last year. I don’t care what I 
thought was coming. Today I want to wake up 
and write about the truth. When the fear comes, 
I will wrap my overworked bones around it 
and breathe. Breath alone is not presence but 
it is a step in the right direction. I keep thinking 
I should shove myself back into an old self’s shape 
but hasn’t this entire chapter been about 
unlearning force? Each night, I think 
I’ll wake up healed but even in my delusion, 
I am hesitant to commit. Being scared makes me 
feel safe or some cousin of it but maybe 
I shouldn’t say that out loud 
When I really wake up, I’m not sure 
anything will look like it does now, but 
one day, I will know myself enough to let a day 
lead me, not chase me into a corner.