lessons from the three of wands reversed

or: don't let the roadblocks get in the way of your vision

Things have been weird lately, friends. The vibes have just been off. I’m feeling stuck and broke and unfocused and frustrated and and and. 

When I’m struggling to get anything done, often an afternoon in a coffee shop will snap me back into focus. There’s something about the hum of espresso machines and chatter, the effort of leaving the house, a new environment, limited distractions, and an imagined social pressure to create—all together, they tend to drop me into the zone. It’s been harder than usual to access that kind of flow state. 

Last weekend, I found myself sitting in the sun outside a coffee shop/bookstore, wondering what I was doing (you know, both in that moment and generally existentially in my life). It was a moment full of multitudes. The coffee sucked but the bookstore was super cool. Seating was limited inside but they had two balconies and both were cozy. It was hot as hell but there was no one else around for most of the time I sat there. Most notably: I had a beautiful view of the lake, but everything in front of it was torn up, being rebuilt.

I sat in the sun, my motivation melting almost as quickly as my ice, and thought about how appropriate the scenery was. Sometimes the horizon is beautiful but all of the things that separate you from it are distracting. Sometimes you can squint and trick yourself into believing things are exactly where you want them, but then the more present obstacles come screaming into view and it’s impossible to look past them. 

At first, I just sat with that thought for a moment, figured I’d maybe write something about it eventually, and moved on. I wrote in my journal a little. I read my book but couldn’t focus. I pulled out a tarot deck and asked it what I needed. Friends, I audibly laughed when the 3 of wands reversed popped out.

That card is about losing sight of the big picture because of all the obstacles getting in the way. It pops up when your plans are failing, your time feels wasted, and you feel off your game. Things are overwhelming and even if you believe in a dream, you lose sight of how to get there. It asks you what you can do to align back to your vision. What tiny steps can you take today toward what you want? It reminds you that you have the resources you need—you just need to figure out how to use them. Just like…read some descriptions.

Sometimes tarot annoys me. Sometimes the card that pops out perfectly describes what I’m struggling with but doesn’t hand me any answers. Sometimes I really just want the right answers—for someone to tell me what the heck I’m supposed to be doing right now. I know that the whole point is I’m supposed to figure out what’s right for me, specifically, but dang, it’s hard to forge your own path. Sometimes I think about how much easier some things were before I started believing in myself. I knew what people wanted from me and for the most part, I did those things. Sure, they crushed my soul and made me feel empty and far from myself, but they got me through a day. They paid the bills. They signed leases and bought groceries and filled my time. They made me feel like I was doing something—achieving something.

I don’t actually want to go back to living that way, but wow, is it hard right now to be a human with human needs like, you know, food and shelter and medicine and love. I never know what money is going to buy my next round of groceries. I’ve cut out most extra spending and I’m still trying to wait out this season. I’m trying not to jump back into a life not meant for me, just because it’s more secure. As we move closer to winter and I find myself still in Minnesota, I’m getting nervous about where I can wait out the cold. I don’t know where I’ll be in a few weeks, again. I want my own space so badly, but right now I just can’t afford it. I mean that both literally (empty bank account) and metaphorically. I can’t afford to give up on what I’ve been working so hard at for so long. I can’t afford to let myself give up. I don’t have time for that. I have things I want to build and experience and feel, and keeping myself moving on this path is the only way.

It’s expensive to follow a dream and it’s expensive to let a dream fall. I’m trying my hardest to keep my resources pointed toward what I really want—a life full of writing, community, love, nature, and freedom. Technically I’m there, but in a the-rug-is-already-slipping kind of way. I want to keep building my life around the work that still feels good, no matter how stressful the rest of my life gets. I want to write and teach writing and help other writers tell their stories. I know it’s what I’m good at. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. I’m not ready to focus on the detour signs when I can still see what’s waiting behind them.

I want to continue. I hope you do too.